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Codependency is often thought of as a relationship
problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to
relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem;
however, the relationship that's the problem is not with someone else, but the
relationship with yourself, and that is what gets reflected in your
relationships with others.
Codependency underlies all addictions. The core
symptom of "dependency" manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process
(i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy
relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important.
Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other
person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship
with yourself.
Recovery entails a 180 degree reversal of this
pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from your core self. Healing
develops the following characteristics:
* You're authentic
* You're autonomous
* You're capable of intimacy
* Your values, thoughts, feelings, and actions become integrated and congruent
Change is not easy. It takes time and involves the following four steps:
* You're autonomous
* You're capable of intimacy
* Your values, thoughts, feelings, and actions become integrated and congruent
Change is not easy. It takes time and involves the following four steps:
1. Abstinence
Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, "locus of control." This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else's. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn't necessary for progress, and it's impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. Instead of abstinence, you learn to detach and not control, people-please, or obsess about others. You become more self-directed and autonomous.
Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, "locus of control." This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else's. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn't necessary for progress, and it's impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. Instead of abstinence, you learn to detach and not control, people-please, or obsess about others. You become more self-directed and autonomous.
If you're involved with an abuser or addict or grew
up as the child of one, you may be afraid to displease your partner, and it can
require great courage to break that pattern of conceding our power to someone
else.
2. Awareness
It's said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you're an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction -- whether to a drug, activity, or a person -- they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy.
It's said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you're an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction -- whether to a drug, activity, or a person -- they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy.
You may have grown up in a family where you weren't
nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren't respected, and your emotional needs
weren't adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you
learned to ignore your needs and feelings, believed that you're were wrong. Some
decided to become self-sufficient and/or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or
work.
All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these
destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging
obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren't aware of their
internal voices that push and criticize them -- their "Pusher," "Perfectionist,"
and "Critic." To help you, I wrote a handy ebook, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem --
The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism.
3. Acceptance
Healing essentially involves self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. Ironically, before you can change, you have to accept the situation. As they say, "What you resist, persists."
Healing essentially involves self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. Ironically, before you can change, you have to accept the situation. As they say, "What you resist, persists."
In recovery, more about yourself is revealed that
requires acceptance, and life itself presents limitations and losses to accept.
This is maturity. Accepting reality opens the doors of possibility. Change then
happens. New ideas and energy emerge that previously were stagnated from
self-blame and fighting reality. For example, when you feel sad, lonely, or
guilty, instead of making yourself feel worse, you have self-compassion, soothe
yourself, and take steps to feel better.
Self-acceptance means that you don't have to please everyone for fear that they won't like you. You honor your needs and unpleasant feelings and are forgiving of yourself and others. This good-will toward yourself allows you to be self-reflective, without being self-critical. Your self-esteem and confidence grow, and consequently, you don't allow others to abuse you or tell you what to do. Instead of manipulating, you become more authentic and assertive, and are capable of greater intimacy.
Self-acceptance means that you don't have to please everyone for fear that they won't like you. You honor your needs and unpleasant feelings and are forgiving of yourself and others. This good-will toward yourself allows you to be self-reflective, without being self-critical. Your self-esteem and confidence grow, and consequently, you don't allow others to abuse you or tell you what to do. Instead of manipulating, you become more authentic and assertive, and are capable of greater intimacy.
4.
Action
Insight without action only gets you so far. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior. This involves taking risks and venturing outside your comfort one. It may involve speaking up, trying something new, going somewhere alone, or setting a boundary. It also means setting internal boundaries by keeping commitments to yourself, or saying "no" to your Critic or other old habits you want to change. Instead of expecting others to meet all your needs and make you happy, you learn to take actions to meet them, and do things that give you fulfillment and satisfaction in your life.
Insight without action only gets you so far. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior. This involves taking risks and venturing outside your comfort one. It may involve speaking up, trying something new, going somewhere alone, or setting a boundary. It also means setting internal boundaries by keeping commitments to yourself, or saying "no" to your Critic or other old habits you want to change. Instead of expecting others to meet all your needs and make you happy, you learn to take actions to meet them, and do things that give you fulfillment and satisfaction in your life.
Each time you try out new behavior or take a risk,
you learn something new about yourself and your feelings and needs. You're
creating a stronger sense of yourself, as well as self-confidence and
self-esteem. This builds upon itself in a positive feedback loop vs. the
downward spiral of codependency, which creates more fear, depression, and low
self-esteem.
Words are actions. They have power and reflect your
self-esteem. Becoming assertive is a learning process and is perhaps the most
powerful tool in recovery. Assertiveness requires that you know yourself and
risk making that public. It entails setting limits. This is respecting and
honoring you. You get to be the author of your life -- what you'll do and not do
and how people will treat you. Because being assertive is so fundamental to
recovery, I wrote How to Speak Your Mind -- Become Assertive and Set
Limits.
The four A's are a road map. Learn all you can
about recovery. Join a 12-Step Program and begin keeping a journal to know
yourself better. Codependency for Dummies lays out a detailed recovery
plan with self-discovery exercises, tips, and daily reminders. Your recovery
must be your priority. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself on your
journey.
© Darlene Lancer 2013
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